Oh, Look What I Made Me Do

I will finally admit it to all of you. I hate my job.  I’ve realized my drinking has increased. It’s nearly nightly now. I’m displacing my anger and lashing out at the kids nights and mornings before work. It occurred to me the other day when breaking down in front of a friend that it’s my job.

It’s not the move. Ok, not entirely. I realize how much support I did have back in Tennessee. I realize how great my friends were there.

I’m semi-happy in the new house. I feel immense guilt for leaving the dogs all day and dread coming home to the mess I have to clean up. I can’t replace flooring because of them and must live with the shitty flooring left by the previous owners. That pisses me off.

I need to make the money I’m making to afford the house, our lifestyle. I need to work for my sanity. But I need to be doing something I like. I don’t like being an assistant. 

I generally don’t like people that can’t do for themselves. I don’t like keeping calendars, reminding people of things, catering to people I don’t respect. The stress of their problems being mine. 

What do I do? I can’t go back to school. I’m too old, I’ve got the boys. I don’t have the time or money. I can’t exactly expect to meet someone that will maybe one day let me take another job to reduce my anxiety and stress because I’m raising my children. They’re not going to pay for me and my children when they’re not their own. No one is going to take care of me or them. I have to do all of this myself.

I could move to a smaller home. That means in a worse neighborhood with worse schools.

I could look for another job but I’m stuck doing the same thing I have experience in. Changing jobs every year is poor resume material.

I obviously need to see a counselor here and find a psychiatrist to help with my meds.

I obviously need to change my attitude. Suicide isn’t an option any longer with the boys. I’ve done this all to myself. Can anyone offer words of encouragement? I’d greatly appreciate any suggestions. 

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3 Beers

My doctor told me to take one of my anti-anxiety pills with a meal of at least 300 calories in the evening. Three light beers and I’m good, right? #mealsubstitute

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Bernheim Original

I’m a girl. So I have to admit the name drew me in. It reminded me of visits to Bernheim Forest with an ex-boyfriend back in high school. It reminded me that I took my children there just two weeks ago for a festival.

It was the Bernheim I visited as a teen and the Bernheim I visited in my 30’s, having been married twice, just returned to Kentucky from Tennessee. It was nostalgia that drew me to buy it.

It’s not even bourbon. Distilled and bottled in Bardstown, a city I love.

I liked it. I bought the 7 year small batch. Very wheaty but earthy. I tasted my youth. Fall days with nothing inside the city of Louisville to preoccupy us so that we had to escape. To a place at the recommendation of my mother. I tasted crisp air, crunching leaves and young love. 

If I could tell you what Kentucky smells like I’d describe the smell housed in my nose, placed there years ago. I smell the wind to do this day and am reminded. Louisville smells like whiskey distilling, the aroma floating across your school playground in the West End.

Kentucky smells of tobacco, pastures of cows, acres of grass.
This bottle reminded me of Kentucky. It still leaves me thinking of the past. But at the same time, the future. As I’ve got someone I want to share this with tomorrow night.

I’d love to go into more detail but as my blog title states I’m a mom and I’m trying to put an entertainment cabinet together before I go to bed. Now that the children are asleep I shall work and reminisce. 

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Drinking and Momming

I just created that term as I’ve been painting all day with my children in the house and drinking to offset the stress. Jake only leaned into the wall once. His shirt and jeans are ruined but I’m made of money, who cares!

I’ve painted only twice with the boys. Jake has now done this twice. Does this surprise me? No! It’s Jake. A Jakeism.

Oh! I have yet to tell you about the letters I’m receiving Jake’s new teacher about him not putting his shoes on the right feet!!!!

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My Fun Saturday Night

I bought some new toilet seats for the new house today. “Going to church” has a new meaning in our house now. 

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I’ve not gone far my friends. Still here. Just busy and dating a gentleman! And drinking new bourbons and beer. More to come! I still need to expand on my love addiction post!

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Fun Fact

I don’t feel so bad about how many times I’ve been married when I read about old Hollywood movie stars. I’m good compared to Judy Garland, Elizabeth Taylor, Betty Davis, Doris Day. 

I’m completely sober btw.

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