Love Addiction

Laugh! Laugh will you! Don’t believe this is an issue. It’s a song. It’s a saying. But it’s fucking real.

I know because I am a love addict.

Forgive me, like most of my posts, this is being written under the influence and on my phone. 

Love addiction is a fixation, an obsession with someone or something. An addiction to the extent you’re doing psychopathic things. Constant thoughts of them. Checking social media. Looking for their vehicle when driving. Looking for them when out in public. Possibly stalking them. Most of your thoughts are consumed with them. “What are they doing?” “What if?” “Why aren’t you good enough for them?” “What can I do to make them like me?”

Psychotic shit. I know what it sounds like. 

I remember doing this as a child. For as long as I can remember I’ve felt the need to obsess over one person. It was the boy down the street growing up. Too shy to talk to him I fantasized about every conversation 7 years old could have. Every moment he spoke to me, I replayed in my head. It’s the sickness you feel in your stomach when he mentions liking someone else.

A gut punch. You can’t stand the thought of him with someone else. You’re physically ill. You withdraw from family activities. You’re not talking as much as before. You’re tiring your friends of your talk about him. Ok, you’re annoying them. But they’re too nice to say otherwise.

But then your brother brings a teammate home from baseball practice. He’s cute. He’s new. He just talked to you. You’re hooked. The other guy is dirt. You can even talk to him now and wonder what you saw in him in the first place. 

This goes on every summer. Then every school year you pick a new love. You do this throughout your adolescent life. Visit their work. Reread their yearbook entries to you. Cry to your friends…what does his girlfriend have that you don’t? They comfort you. Again. 

But what if you catch them? What if you are actually liked back and enter into a relationship? You worship him at first then you tire of him. You actually tire of this man you chased. You start fights to evoke passion. You want him to express how much he likes you, loves you, how badly he wants you. 

The fighting soon turns him away. Drama. He doesn’t want the drama. He doesn’t understand why you need reassurance. After all, you’re obsessed with him. Is he with you?

No. He leaves. You’re physically ill again.

All of this happens if you snatch the other person up but my history tends to repeat itself…I fall for the unobtainable. The committed, the out-of-towner, one time I found myself calling Jessica Alba a bitch every time I saw her on tv because I learned of her relationship with Michael Weatherly. Ok, I Googled him and read it. And obsessed with him. Looking everywhere I went for a man that resembled him. Until I found someone else.

It’s shameful. It’s embarrassing to admit but I know I’m not alone. My counselor mentioned it and made me watch a video onceb on the subject. What a relief it was to know I wasn’t alone!

But how do you fix it? How do you live with it? I’m twice-divorced, I feel, partly because of my addiction. 

What happens when you’re in your 20s and married and you “find” another obsession. What happens when you’re in your 30s and your obsession is married? Perhaps even to a friend? Is your boss? You’re not in school anymore. This isn’t a crush like you were told about when you were younger. You’re past boy crazy.

What do you do now?

I’ll continue this later…

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No Fear

I wish I didn’t fear losing my friends, family, job, dignity if I blogged about the seemingly double life I lead.

Posted in #beer, #dating, #kids, #love, addiction, anxiety, blog, Bourbon, boy mom life, depression, lonely, mood, music, parenting, Single mom | Leave a comment

How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Compare Every Man to You for the Rest of My Life While You Don’t Care and I Continue to Make Myself Miserable and Run Off…

This isn’t a “how to” post but a confession post. I’m still comparing every man I meet, date, or talk to to a man that will never like me. A man I will never be with. A man who will never be with me.

It’s obsessive. It’s heartbreaking. It’s sickening. And I’m doing this all to myself through my own thoughts and feelings. Someone touched my life years ago and I have yet to recover. 

How is it that the thought of this one person still forces to me rethink men to this day?

I’ve dated very nice men. But they weren’t as sexy as him. They weren’t as strong as him. They handled themselves differently in a situation like I thought he would have. Thought!!!! I don’t even know because i didn’t even spend much time with him or learn much about him. Yet, I’m still affected. I’m so very tired of it.

I’m running through dates, men like a teenager trying to find “the one”. Two dates in one night even. But none compare to him. 

Today, I’m mentally making myself stop. This cannot continue. I’m hurting myself and the feelings of plenty of men. 

I think it might help to stop looking altogether. This is all too hard when you’re addicted to the thought and feeling of love. 

I have yet to write on my thoughts of love addiction. One day I will. 

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Pros and Cons and Pros and Cons

I found an antidepressant that is actually working! I’m happy…about that. However, the first and most common side effect is weight gain. And guess what? I’m eating everything in sight! So I went to start my treadmill yesterday and it isn’t working. I moved it a few days before so I could have damaged a wire or something. Or it appears as though a dog pissed on it so it could be electrical. Either way I’m not happy. Trying to go to a gym on my schedule with kids is hard. Now this. Become depressed again because of weight gain because of the antidepressant you’re on….vicious cycle.

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Not going to look for someone I want to come home to. I’m going to look for someone who wants to come home to me. 

Thank God when my dogs run away they come back. If they didn’t I’d feel like total shit. Hey, it’s a start. 

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What’s Next For Me?

Friends birthing babies, gender reveal parties, pregnancy announcements. I’m over here wondering what’s next for me in my life cycle. A perimenopausal party? 

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I’m done with dating. I’m tired of selling myself. I’m tired of hearing of what a catch I am but the guys I fall for don’t feel the same.

I realized today how weak I’ve been this last year thinking I need someone, need a relationship. I read posts and blogs about people desperately seeking or already attached to someone. I wish these people saw themselves as they make themselves appear. I’m proud of myself for being strong and independent. I don’t need to date someone to prove I’m happy, I’m good enough, I’m loved. I love myself and I’m stronger than I’ve ever been.

I also have to add that these radio commercials about life insurance and leaving your spouse with nothing is sad for a totally different reason to me now. How sad it is that people are so dependent on another person that they can’t function or continue to live without them. It’s your life. No one is responsible for you. Why did we take on other people as a responsibility? I understand children complicate it but they’re still selling a product with guilt.

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