Gotta Have Strengtha, Strengtha, Strengthah!

I got to thinking about all the shit I’ve told myself over the years and what I’ve learned. 

I can’t leave my addicted, abusive husband. I did.

I can’t pay this bill this month. I did. 

I can’t move my kids to another state during a school year. I did. 

I can’t have kids. I did.

I can’t wear this. I did.

I can’t be strong. I am.

I can’t have a special needs child. I did.

I can’t tell my kids they’ll never see their father again. I did it. Had to. 

I think about speaking in front of a group of people and I freak out but then I think about childbirth, the trouble of transfering all my utilities for a new house, all the things listed above and I realize I’m capable of anything. We all are. And NONE of us should question it or doubt it. And I only realized I was strong when someone told me I was. My friend Katrina told me once when going through my first divorce I was stronger than I knew. I hadn’t ever thought of it and suddenly if one person believed I was, maybe I was. And that was all I needed to believe. 

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Walking past the restaurants in downtown Louisville looking at the candlelit tables and I’m reminded of a time when dinner at such places was an every Saturday night thing.

Then I’m reminded of a LeAnn Womack song, “that was twenty years and two husbands ago”.  How fitting. 

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Gone Girl

Closed on my Tennessee house. I’m officially done with Tennessee. 

For now.

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So the Boys Go to a Church for Daycare

And Jake got in trouble today for pushing a kid twice his size because he cut him in line. The teacher even said he was impressed that Jake stood up for himself. But he and the other boy had to sit out for a while. 

I’m thinking he’s just like his father. Oh shit. 

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I’m once again residing in the great state of Kentucky. Even though I begin work tomorrow I have never felt so homeless, jobless and uninsured. Might as well add alone to that mix. Yes, I’ve moved closer to family but I feel so alone. The emotional toll this is taking is quite suffocating but bearable, obviously. I expected a little of this. I couldn’t have imagined it all.

Tomorrow, after my kid’s first day at a new school, at a new daycare, my first day at a new company I know I’ll feel better. I’ll feel even better Friday when I close on my house in Tennessee. I’ll feel even better in two weeks when I close on my new house, if everything goes ok.

I wrote this aforementioned last night. Today was my first day of work today. Ehh.

Today was the boy’s first day of school. They enjoyed it. 

I’ve never felt so alone.

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Some nights you just want to cry and be held. Other nights you’re reminded of how lucky you are to be alone.

Fucked up world, isn’t it?

But we’re alive aren’t we?

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I’ve been the sole provider for these two boys for 2 years. (Don’t forget I have 2 dogs). I make decisions for 3 people.

Jackson turned 8 yesterday. Jake is 5. Their father died when they were 5 and 3, respectively.

They have one living grandparent, one living great-grandparent. Do I feel my children have been cheated? Yes. Do I feel cheated for the loss of my father at 23? Yes. 

Do I feel like I’m admitting defeat for r moving back home? Yes. But will I have more help? Yes. Will my children be closer to their grandmother? Yes. Will I be happier? I’m hoping.

Have I lost my life because I’ve experienced loss? No.

If I have to work for a living I want to enjoy it. If I only have months or just years left on this Earth I want to enjoy them.

I’m going to be calmer with my kids. (This is hard for me as I’m a yeller and a cusser, I’ll work on that too.) 

This move and having Asshole 1 and Asshole 2 not show this weekend are putting things in perspective. 

The only damn thing I need to be worrying about is raising 2 fine young men. No expectations, no disappointments. I can’t expect for a man to show up and replace their father. I can’t expect people to keep their word. I can’t expect a man to replace my father. I can’t expect my kids to miraculously have awesome grandparents with loads of freetime. I can’t even keep my own word.

With this move I have to become calmer, a better mother, a better daughter, a better sister, a better niece, a better friend, a better ex-sister-in-law, a better employee, a better human being. 

I’ve been this strong for this long, there’s no stopping me. I’ve been at the bottom and there’s only one damn way to go from there.

And now I’m going to cry, but it’s overdue. I’ve held it in this long. Things seem to be falling in place. FOR A REASON! Maybe someone knows I’ve been needing a break.

A friend said that they think it’s good I’m making this move or else I’d always question it. If it doesn’t work, I’ll come back. Or go somewhere else. I’ve never wanted to be in one place for too long:) 

In the meantime, my adrenal junkie self is stopping moving, job changes, etc. It’s time I get that rush elsewhere: skydiving, traveling, taking chances everyday. Compliment someone, tell someone hello. I just have this bad habit of going to big then small:)

I also realize I’m not incredibly driven and not searching for the next big break and a chance to make more money. I want my kids to be proud of me. I want to be able to spend time with them. No overtime. Maybe not beach vacations every year. I prefer lakes and mountains anyway. Maybe not a fully-funded college fund. They’ve got to earn things. They’ll need to learn how to work to achieve goals, obtain a paycheck. In the meantime I’m going to fund my retirement so that I can retire at 65-70 and not have one of them wipe my ass when we get older;) I think that’s a good trade off!

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