I read it earlier at the first IEP meeting but shrugged it off. I figured a new state, it’s how developmentally delayed transfers here. No, it was his diagnosis from the school’s psychologist after another IQ test. It was lower than his results 2 years ago.
I was reminded on the conversation with Jackson’s first pediatrician. I was in Louisville. My mother had been hospitalized because of a mild heart attack. I just parked my car. My cousin’s wife watched Jackson. I’m atop the parking garage when my phone rings.
Goldenhar Syndrome. But he should be normal, mentally.
Should be. Facial and cranial abnormalities. Spinal issues. The diagnosis didn’t explain the holes in his heart. We were being referred to a geneticist. It was not a syndrome the doctor knew anything about.
All I thought of was the teasing I had done to my peers for their mental capacity, their size, their clothes, their hygiene. I teased children badly.
I thought…I really thought that I had control of his future and mine. I could stop him from ever being teased. I could never witness it. Never see him hurt. He could never hurt. I could veer off I-65 on the way home. No one would know suspect it was intentional. I’d put us both out of our misery.
But I cried. I called his father. We cried. Eventually he had to get back to work. I had to go see my mom.
I thought about it again when driving home that day but knew I wouldn’t dare act on it. I was ashamed for thinking it. I still beat myself up for it. But I know I’m not alone. I share with you something I’ve only told one other person. I don’t care if you judge me. You haven’t been through what I’ve been through. Am I glad I didn’t act on it? I still see him hurt and suffer at times. I still do too. But I’m glad we’re here to get through this together. He’s perfect.