I’ve been the sole provider for these two boys for 2 years. (Don’t forget I have 2 dogs). I make decisions for 3 people.

Jackson turned 8 yesterday. Jake is 5. Their father died when they were 5 and 3, respectively.

They have one living grandparent, one living great-grandparent. Do I feel my children have been cheated? Yes. Do I feel cheated for the loss of my father at 23? Yes. 

Do I feel like I’m admitting defeat for r moving back home? Yes. But will I have more help? Yes. Will my children be closer to their grandmother? Yes. Will I be happier? I’m hoping.

Have I lost my life because I’ve experienced loss? No.

If I have to work for a living I want to enjoy it. If I only have months or just years left on this Earth I want to enjoy them.

I’m going to be calmer with my kids. (This is hard for me as I’m a yeller and a cusser, I’ll work on that too.) 

This move and having Asshole 1 and Asshole 2 not show this weekend are putting things in perspective. 

The only damn thing I need to be worrying about is raising 2 fine young men. No expectations, no disappointments. I can’t expect for a man to show up and replace their father. I can’t expect people to keep their word. I can’t expect a man to replace my father. I can’t expect my kids to miraculously have awesome grandparents with loads of freetime. I can’t even keep my own word.

With this move I have to become calmer, a better mother, a better daughter, a better sister, a better niece, a better friend, a better ex-sister-in-law, a better employee, a better human being. 

I’ve been this strong for this long, there’s no stopping me. I’ve been at the bottom and there’s only one damn way to go from there.

And now I’m going to cry, but it’s overdue. I’ve held it in this long. Things seem to be falling in place. FOR A REASON! Maybe someone knows I’ve been needing a break.

A friend said that they think it’s good I’m making this move or else I’d always question it. If it doesn’t work, I’ll come back. Or go somewhere else. I’ve never wanted to be in one place for too long:) 

In the meantime, my adrenal junkie self is stopping moving, job changes, etc. It’s time I get that rush elsewhere: skydiving, traveling, taking chances everyday. Compliment someone, tell someone hello. I just have this bad habit of going to big then small:)

I also realize I’m not incredibly driven and not searching for the next big break and a chance to make more money. I want my kids to be proud of me. I want to be able to spend time with them. No overtime. Maybe not beach vacations every year. I prefer lakes and mountains anyway. Maybe not a fully-funded college fund. They’ve got to earn things. They’ll need to learn how to work to achieve goals, obtain a paycheck. In the meantime I’m going to fund my retirement so that I can retire at 65-70 and not have one of them wipe my ass when we get older;) I think that’s a good trade off!

About bourbonbreathmom

No words can describe me;)
This entry was posted in #dating, #kids, #love, addiction, anxiety, boy mom life, depression, love addiction, parenting, Single mom, Special needs and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

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