Love Addiction

Laugh! Laugh will you! Don’t believe this is an issue. It’s a song. It’s a saying. But it’s fucking real.

I know because I am a love addict.

Forgive me, like most of my posts, this is being written under the influence and on my phone. 

Love addiction is a fixation, an obsession with someone or something. An addiction to the extent you’re doing psychopathic things. Constant thoughts of them. Checking social media. Looking for their vehicle when driving. Looking for them when out in public. Possibly stalking them. Most of your thoughts are consumed with them. “What are they doing?” “What if?” “Why aren’t you good enough for them?” “What can I do to make them like me?”

Psychotic shit. I know what it sounds like. 

I remember doing this as a child. For as long as I can remember I’ve felt the need to obsess over one person. It was the boy down the street growing up. Too shy to talk to him I fantasized about every conversation 7 years old could have. Every moment he spoke to me, I replayed in my head. It’s the sickness you feel in your stomach when he mentions liking someone else.

A gut punch. You can’t stand the thought of him with someone else. You’re physically ill. You withdraw from family activities. You’re not talking as much as before. You’re tiring your friends of your talk about him. Ok, you’re annoying them. But they’re too nice to say otherwise.

But then your brother brings a teammate home from baseball practice. He’s cute. He’s new. He just talked to you. You’re hooked. The other guy is dirt. You can even talk to him now and wonder what you saw in him in the first place. 

This goes on every summer. Then every school year you pick a new love. You do this throughout your adolescent life. Visit their work. Reread their yearbook entries to you. Cry to your friends…what does his girlfriend have that you don’t? They comfort you. Again. 

But what if you catch them? What if you are actually liked back and enter into a relationship? You worship him at first then you tire of him. You actually tire of this man you chased. You start fights to evoke passion. You want him to express how much he likes you, loves you, how badly he wants you. 

The fighting soon turns him away. Drama. He doesn’t want the drama. He doesn’t understand why you need reassurance. After all, you’re obsessed with him. Is he with you?

No. He leaves. You’re physically ill again.

All of this happens if you snatch the other person up but my history tends to repeat itself…I fall for the unobtainable. The committed, the out-of-towner, one time I found myself calling Jessica Alba a bitch every time I saw her on tv because I learned of her relationship with Michael Weatherly. Ok, I Googled him and read it. And obsessed with him. Looking everywhere I went for a man that resembled him. Until I found someone else.

It’s shameful. It’s embarrassing to admit but I know I’m not alone. My counselor mentioned it and made me watch a video onceb on the subject. What a relief it was to know I wasn’t alone!

But how do you fix it? How do you live with it? I’m twice-divorced, I feel, partly because of my addiction. 

What happens when you’re in your 20s and married and you “find” another obsession. What happens when you’re in your 30s and your obsession is married? Perhaps even to a friend? Is your boss? You’re not in school anymore. This isn’t a crush like you were told about when you were younger. You’re past boy crazy.

What do you do now?

I’ll continue this later…

About bourbonbreathmom

No words can describe me;)
This entry was posted in #dating, #love, addiction, depression, lonely, Single mom and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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