Intentional Self Imprisonment


I’m unsettled tonight and am unable to sleep. I have this strong urge to be creative with paints and canvases, knives and clay, but remember that I cannot paint or sculpt. Alas, I can write. I can free my mind of my thoughts and hope I can sleep.

I’m just laying here thinking about the life I’m wasting. I stand at my desk at work and become so frustrated. I’m working but thinking, I could be home doing this with clothes in the washer, a sprinkler on, my dogs being let out on occasion instead of holed up and unable to run. I could be walking my treadmill while on this conference call. I could be typing outside and getting vitamin D.

Yet I’m anchored to a desk or table all day and the thought of this infuriates me. It sickens me and saddens me. How did I get this way? Why have I let my wandering soul and mind become confined to a job, an office, a company? At least I have a window in the office I share now. Do you know what it does to one’s psyche to be in an windowless office 40 hours a week? It destroys you.

I write about this. I complain about this, but I can’t see a way out. I still have to work to provide for myself and my children. I’m just miserable doing it. I don’t see how people go to work every day of their lives just to live to enjoy tomorrow.

Why can’t we all enjoy today? Tomorrow is not promised. And we will probably just be working tomorrow and we won’t enjoy it either. We work today with the hopes that tomorrow something will change and this will be the last day of our misery. But how often do you see that happening? Only lottery winners and rich housewives come to mind.

Do I suffer through my job for another 30 plus years to hopefully retire one day at an age when I may not be as healthy or as active? I may not be able to hike rainforests or dance on the streets of Madrid at sunset. Do I eat, sleep, and “live” my life in the free hours that I have around work? But I need sleep to function for work. I need to wash clothing, iron clothing, meal prep, get ready for work. I drive 45 minutes in. I drive 45 minutes home. All for work. Is it really worth it to live a life like this?

This all saddens me but I don’t know what to do to change it. But I want to write. I want to share my thoughts with you and it is what I love to do. I wish in some way this could provide income for me one day and complete satisfaction. More than likely not going to happen. It really is a sad state of mind. I feel I have so much more to offer you all than what I can convey through this blog. But I absolutely get a great deal of pride and joy when I see my stats and see that people are reading this blog. This excites me more than anything! I read comments about how I’ve helped you and I feel like I’ve worked a miracle. In someway I like to think I can save lives; cure boredom; cause a smile, a chuckle, a tear. I wish to entertain but move you all in ways that painters and sculptors do. I long to be set free and attain total happiness. I’d love to find a way to be more successful at this, as this is doing what I truly love. Which brings me to the next topic I need to blog about: parenting…

About bourbonbreathmom

No words can describe me;)
This entry was posted in #love, anxiety, blog, boy mom life, depression, lonely, mood, outlet, Single mom, Special needs, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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