12 years. I dread answering phone calls. I worry daily about losing someone. I worry about my children going through the same pain I did. I worry about dying unfulfilled with dreams unattained. Smells still trigger memories then tears. I’m driving alone today to Louisville for a baby shower and returning later. I can’t explain the anxiety I have about just the drive. I won’t be relaxed and relieved of it until the boys and I are back home tonight. 12 years one night had changed my every single day.