Me, old enough to know better but yet old enough not to care
Me: Jake, if you keep eating your boogers you’re going to turn green
Jake: I know Momma. I’m gonna be the Hulk
It’s also perfectly acceptable to be in one room picking your own nose only to walk into another room and fuss at your son for picking his nose.
Feel free to shoot your child the finger behind his back when he pisses you off.
You’re going to have a child, at one point, when out to eat in a restaurant announce to the whole table that his butt itches.
You’re going to defend him to his teacher because he said “ass”. But he’s crying and devastated. He couldn’t have said that word! Then hear him call his brother a “butthole ass” when you’re home later. Shit. Then you have to tell him again not to say bad words. Does that make me liar for defending him?
You may scar them. You may learn that one child’s memory is elephant-like and you may never be able to walk into a Lowe’s because one time they were misbehaving in the store and you passed the aisle where blinds are being cut. When one asked what was going on, you lie to get them to behave and to quit embarrassing you, you say that’s where they the cut the finger’s off the kids that act bad in the store. You’re going to have to reassure them for the next few years, potentially more, that they will not have their fingers cut off every time you go to Lowe’s store.
If you’re single, or just married, you will take the batteries out of your beloved vibrator to replace the ones in your child’s toy because, holy hell, he can’t live 10 minutes without it only to forget about the damn toy 20 minutes later. Sacrifice.
Be happy when your child tells you he tells the kids at school “Bless you” when kids sneeze, burp or fart…you’re doing something right.
Red flags when you’re my age with kids and you decide to try to find a man that will tolerate your ass:
If he’s in his middle to late 30’s or older and he’s never been married or had a child…he’s probably selfish or has something wrong with him.
If he has kids but has a 2 door car (usually a sports car) then he’s probably selfish.
If you mention a nice restaurant in the same city you live and he’s never heard of it, dump him. He’s never going to take you to nice places.
If he doesn’t compliment you once on the first date or two, he’s not ever going to be one of those guys that will constantly compliment you, accept it or dump him if you can’t accept.
Grabs his beer and doesn’t offer you one. Ditch him.
Having said that, he should at least open door for you for the first 2 dates at least. He helps you put on your coat, take it off. He offers to carries bags, your purse even. He walks on the side of oncoming traffic if you’re on a sidewalk. He offers you everything first. If he eats all of the pizza and doesn’t offer you the last piece (even if you’d decline it) dump him. Same with splitting desserts.
If the man you meet has an ex-wife. If they talk everyday even when he doesn’t have the kids, walk away now. They’re not really over.
If the man says he doesn’t want “drama”, walk away. “Drama” is usually an ex-wife or girlfriend and “drama” follows him, not you. Actually run away from that one.
When he says he doesn’t want a relationship, sends a dick pic or starts talking about sex with you before he’s even met you, he’s only wanting sex. Don’t get upset when he won’t commit. And don’t give him the goods. He doesn’t deserve it.
A great way to guarantee you won’t have sex on the first date? Don’t shave your legs. (Gotta give a friend credit for that one though.)