I should be watching Christmas movies but some sick bastard scheduled “What Dreams May Come” to air tonight. Firstly, the story line is depressing. Secondly, I can’t watch Robin Williams movies anymore. Especially on a day like today. Christmas Eve and a flat tire. Kroger was out of roasts, the dinner I planned. Out of sausage, the breakfast casserole I had planned. A friend said he’d join us this evening. He couldn’t make it. My oldest threw up.
Yes, I’ve had my Evan Williams. I can’t watch Robin Williams movies because I realize he stared in these ficticious stories that we “normal” people only dream of being true. He was lucky enough to have been apart of something we seek daily. But even in real life, he knew it wasn’t true. Even he committed suicide. Even he wasn’t happy. Even he knew true happiness didn’t exist.
I’ve been there. So depressed, so down, so sad. The thought of dying. Ridding the world of you. Ridding yourself of your own thoughts. No more pain. No more hurt. I know people that have committed suicide. And the sad part is we’ve shared the same thoughts.
I’m sad tonight. Like most nights. I’ve spent so many Christmas’s and Christmas Eve’s crying, alone. I was reminded of this tonight. I remember Jeff and I fighting once and having to lock myself in the bathroom. He eventually quit trying to break the door down and said he was going to spend Christmas Eve with his family. I get a call from his mother and hour and a half a later asking where we were. I said Jeff was supposed to be there. He wasn’t. Never went. Came home hours later drunk and angry.
Why did I move so far away from my friends and family? I’m not liking my job. I feel I’m only disappointing and hurting my children by working and commuting so much and hating myself. I pretend to be happy.
My flat tire today. A woman I knew years ago volunteered her husband to come help. I asked a guy I thought was a friend to come help. No response. The husband comes. My friend never showed.
Alone again on Christmas Eve. But this time I’ve allowed my boys to be here. Never again. I want happiness and I’m going to seek happiness. These boys will know happiness and know of a happy mother.
I once confided in my counselor how sad and depressed I got when I had had a bad day and the thought of killing myself crossed my mind. Then I remembered Jeff was gone and there was no way I could ever consider doing that because the boys needed me. And then I just hated Jeff even more. For ruining my way out! My last resort!
Tomorrow, we will have a fabulous Christmas. These boys deserve it. 2017…I’m going to be happy whatever that takes. These boys deserve a happy mother. Happy mother, happy life.
I want to travel. I’ve always want to go cross country since high school. I may start something there.
Goodnight friends and Merry Christmas! If any of you experience what I do, please seek help. You’re worth it, I promise.
Now, to only convince myself…