Evan Williams Single Barrel

Ok, it’s my favorite. It’s smooth. And honestly, I’ve found a few women who prefer this to other bourbons. I like that it’s a single barrel and you know it hasn’t been mixed or “tainted” lol!

Last night I picked up a bottle as I was intending to bake Christmas cookies for the boys and Santa for his visit. I opened the bottle poured a drink and began with chocolate oatmeal cookies or “no bakes”. I let them set and after a while took one to the TV room where my youngest was awake watching a Christmas show. My oldest had been out by 6:30. I handed him a cookie to try. He bit in and smiled. He loved it of course.

I have a memory of my dad coming to visit me in Tennessee one year and I made some chocolate oatmeal cookies and stashed them away in my snowman cookie jar. I wasn’t going to make anymore. I didn’t have kids at the time. My dad was notorious for his sweet tooth. Also, a side effect of alcohol recovery. He often awoke at night and sleepily walked to the kitchen and ate up any sweet thing within reach. I guess you could call it “sweet walking”. I just didn’t know my dad did it away from home too. The next day I go to get a cookie and find the cookie jar completely empty. I remember being so mad. I turned to my parents and asked who ate them. My dad took responsibility. “But you ate the whole jar! There were like 2 dozen cookies in there!” No reply. I should have known better than to make them so easily available.

But last night as I was walking out of the room I thought about that moment and I turned to Jake and said, “Those were your Granddad’s favorite cookies. My dad.”

Jake asked, “My Daddy’s too?”

I froze. I had to think. I remember making them when I was married to their father. I remember him liking them. Were they his favorite? I don’t know. I don’t remember. I quit possibly lied and told him yes to appease him.

It was probably the bourbon getting to me but I returned to the kitchen and began to cry. Here these boys have lost their father and they have little knowledge or memory of him and I don’t have the answers. I’ve fought so hard over the last few years since we separated to forget about him and his “favorites”. I’ve tried suppressing memories. Both the good and bad. I don’t remember many of his stories I can share with them. I didn’t expect him to die. I didn’t expect to have to answer these questions. He was supposed to tell them these things. And these boys want and need these answers.

I was lucky to have my father for 24 years. The boys, not so much. I wish they could have even met their grandfather. I can only imagine they’d be inseparable.

So I broke down a little last night. It’s Christmas, it happens. I vowed to keep in contact with their father’s family and friends so they can share their memories of him with them. They don’t want my “tainted” memories. They need to know that he was good (at times).



About bourbonbreathmom

No words can describe me;)
This entry was posted in Bourbon, boy mom life, Single mom. Bookmark the permalink.

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