I believe I’ve forgotten to apply deodorant like 5 days now since I’ve been here. Might be stress…or urgency. It’s not good. So lucky you, black truck!
And I’ve only thought of you maybe just once everyday. It’s to the point where I’m reminding myself that I have almost made it through one whole day without thinking of you. It’s usually on my drive home when I see a black truck like yours. But I celebrate that.
I’m almost over you.
Since I’ve quiled a heartfelt entry. We’re here! Surviving Kentucky, sickness and all. Yes, we’ve all been sick, but the weight I feel lifted off my shoulders…knowing I’ve got family nearby…I had great friends nearby in Tennessee but I felt a friend can only carry so much responsibility, sigh, relief. If I die in a car accident on the way home from work here my mother will be called, the boys will go to my brother and sister-in-law. Here, I can rest easy knowing if I get called to work late it probably won’t cost me $40 to have someone pick up the boys. This has been tested, I got a nice introductory happy hour only to hear a comment made from my boss about his daughter now wearing a training bra…awkward.
Aside from that a dear friend of mine, Sharon, said she hoped I’d feel as though I should have made this move long ago. The truth is, I don’t have granite, I don’t have a fenced in yard for the dogs, I don’t have hardwood floors, in fact Molly and Bentley are pissing and shiting everywhere! I’d kick the fuckers to the curb if I could but I won’t, they’re too old and I actually love the bastards. I’ve got a neighborhood with sidewalks and I’ve still got my boys. We’re still altogether, my mother hasn’t been called because I’m dead, we’re here…I’ve got nothing to fucking complain about.
All of this happened seamlessly for a reason… the job interview, the offer, the house being sold so soon, my ability to secure a house here and kick my ex-stepdad out of my mom’s house (for a fucking good reason), the only 2 spots available at the local daycare, it all happened for a reason I believe, all of it! I’m not a very religious person or big believer in God but everything, everything! has been square peg, square hole. I’ve got some more soul-searching to do. I’ve got some people to thank (references and last minute stops by my house for a goodbye).
Dad would have been 59 this week. He died at 46. I’m 36…knowing if I had only 10 more years to live if I died at his age saddens me immensely. Saddens me immensely.
The boys and I watched Nine Lives. Jackson said he missed his daddy. I started crying. They started asking questions…where will they go if I die? Will we have another momma? I’m going to miss you, they say. I’m not even dead yet.
I’m crying my eyes out. They’ve been through so much. I don’t want them to have to go through anymore. I pray we all live long lives and they don’t have experience these things.
When I want to text you No. 3, “How bout them Mets?” Where are you? I can’t text you. And I only want to for selfish reasons.
And you, Guy, Number 1, you know I’ve only thought of you once the last two days? Respectively. But still, it’s an improvement. I can’t search for your truck out here. There’s no reason for you to be in Kentucky. But the sirens, the trucks, they pass, and I think of you. I hate you but want you.
I want you to know I’m happy and moving on and more successful now than ever. Baby, I’m sorry, I’m not sorry. Really, I’m not.
Masterbate isn’t in my phone’s dictionary but ‘afro’ populates when try to swipe ‘still’. Wtf? #birthcontrol
I’ve been out of a relationship so long nowI’m starting to wonder if I’m thinking I’m too good for everyone or if I am too good for the ones that are left. Should I feel like shit or lucky?